Welcome to the first episode of my regularly occurring advice column. People ask me for advice all the time. And usually I’m like “gahhhh enough with the questions, people!” but today I will address some out of the kindness of my heart. You may thank me later. Or not at all. Whatever, let’s get it over with.
Jay, I’ve been invited to my cousins’ wedding and I don’t have much money left over for a gift after the plane ticket and hotel and all that. How much is ok to give? – Tim, IL
Wait, hang on. Is cousins’ a typo or are two of your cousins getting married? To each other?? If you meant cousin’s then fine, that’s one thing. Or even cousins without the apostrophe, while grammatically incorrect it is at least socially acceptable. Sorry, far bigger questions regarding your potentially messed up family must be answered before I can proceed. Next.
Dear Jay, my mother calls me like literally a million times a day. How can I get her to stop? Thanks! – Tonja, MA
Where do I begin with this one. There’s no way she calls you a million times a day. I calculated that she would have to call about every .08 seconds for the entire day. Oh yes, I see that you put like before literally but still, it doesn’t mean you can give the antonym for figurative a figurative meaning. And if you don’t understand that, then I’m literally not going to give you advice since you probably won’t grasp said advice in the first place.
Hey, me and my brother recently found out that our parents are considering a divorce. I know its there decision but is their anything we can say to change they’re minds? – Carl, CA
I’m like literally going to shoot myself. My brother and I, it’s not its, their not there, there not their, and their not they’re. This question however, which may surprise you, I am compelled to answer: encourage them to split up, find different partners, and try for smarter kids. Clearly there’s some bad genetic mojo going on.
Ok, well that was fun. Thanks again and if I’ve helped even one person, then nobody is more surprised than me. Or I, rather. God, you idiots are rubbing off on me. I need a drink.