I need help in the selfie department! How can I become a selfie ninja?
-San Fran Selfie Fail
Don’t fret, you’re not alone. Bad selfies are as pervasive as virgins at Comic-Con. Or VD at Burning Man. Here are some hacks to step up your game.
Remember Einstein’s lesser known Law of Selfie Relativity: An ugly friend in your selfie increases your attractiveness at a level inversely proportional to their nastiness. Also, consider a longer selfie stick, let’s say 20-30 feet. Close-ups are only flattering to those blessed with looks.
I suck at flirting with girls online. Whenever things progress to sexting, they always lose interest. Any advice?
-Creepin’ in Canton
Nothing is a turn-off like bad sexting. To pull it off, you have to be smoother than a baby’s butt in a velveteen diaper. Here are some common pitfalls to avoid.
Make sure auto-correct is off. Getting a text like “Girl I wanna duck u all night long” is more confounding than erotic.
Also, no pics of your junk. I can’t stress that enough. But if you must, use a background other than your bathroom floor which hasn’t been cleaned since the Bush administration. The first Bush administration that is.
My ex-boyfriend and I made a sex video. But I dumped him and am scared he might post it online for revenge.
-Terrified in Tacoma
Hi TiT (heh heh),
That is quite a predicament. You could try and make this into a positive. After all, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian made millions from their sexploits.
The fact remains: that which has been seen cannot be unseen. By the way I wish somebody pointed that out before I watched the Bea Arthur sex tape. Sadly, we’re not talking Maude era either, this was deep into Golden Girls. Coincidentally, that was also the title of the video.