Ask Jay pt. II

Dear Jay,

I need help in the selfie department! How can I become a selfie ninja?

-San Fran Selfie Fail

Dear SFSF,

Don’t fret, you’re not alone. Bad selfies are as pervasive as virgins at Comic-Con. Or VD at Burning Man. Here are some hacks to step up your game.

Remember Einstein’s lesser known Law of Selfie Relativity: An ugly friend in your selfie increases your attractiveness at a level inversely proportional to their nastiness. Also, consider a longer selfie stick, let’s say 20-30 feet. Close-ups are only flattering to those blessed with looks.

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Hey man,

I suck at flirting with girls online. Whenever things progress to sexting, they always lose interest. Any advice?

-Creepin’ in Canton

Dear Creepin’,

Nothing is a turn-off like bad sexting. To pull it off, you have to be smoother than a baby’s butt in a velveteen diaper. Here are some common pitfalls to avoid.

Make sure auto-correct is off. Getting a text like “Girl I wanna duck u all night long” is more confounding than erotic.

Also, no pics of your junk. I can’t stress that enough. But if you must, use a background other than your bathroom floor which hasn’t been cleaned since the Bush administration. The first Bush administration that is.

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Dear Jay,

My ex-boyfriend and I made a sex video. But I dumped him and am scared he might post it online for revenge.

-Terrified in Tacoma

Hi TiT (heh heh),

That is quite a predicament. You could try and make this into a positive. After all, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian made millions from their sexploits.

The fact remains: that which has been seen cannot be unseen. By the way I wish somebody pointed that out before I watched the Bea Arthur sex tape. Sadly, we’re not talking Maude era either, this was deep into Golden Girls. Coincidentally, that was also the title of the video.

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Ask Jay!

Welcome to the first episode of my regularly occurring advice column. People ask me for advice all the time. And usually I’m like “gahhhh enough with the questions, people!” but today I will address some out of the kindness of my heart. You may thank me later. Or not at all. Whatever, let’s get it over with.

Jay, I’ve been invited to my cousins’ wedding and I don’t have much money left over for a gift after the plane ticket and hotel and all that. How much is ok to give? – Tim, IL

Wait, hang on. Is cousins’ a typo or are two of your cousins getting married? To each other?? If you meant cousin’s then fine, that’s one thing. Or even cousins without the apostrophe, while grammatically incorrect it is at least socially acceptable. Sorry, far bigger questions regarding your potentially messed up family must be answered before I can proceed. Next.

Dear Jay, my mother calls me like literally a million times a day. How can I get her to stop? Thanks! – Tonja, MA

Where do I begin with this one. There’s no way she calls you a million times a day. I calculated that she would have to call about every .08 seconds for the entire day. Oh yes, I see that you put like before literally but still, it doesn’t mean you can give the antonym for figurative a figurative meaning. And if you don’t understand that, then I’m literally not going to give you advice since you probably won’t grasp said advice in the first place.

Hey, me and my brother recently found out that our parents are considering a divorce. I know its there decision but is their anything we can say to change they’re minds? – Carl, CA

I’m like literally going to shoot myself. My brother and I, it’s not its, their not there, there not their, and their not they’re. This question however, which may surprise you, I am compelled to answer: encourage them to split up, find different partners, and try for smarter kids. Clearly there’s some bad genetic mojo going on.

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Ok, well that was fun. Thanks again and if I’ve helped even one person, then nobody is more surprised than me. Or I, rather. God, you idiots are rubbing off on me. I need a drink.