Getting Carded

If you’ve ever read anything of mine, you won’t be surprised to hear that writing isn’t my day job. I’d be more surprised that I have return readers. Anyway, at work we have several reference guides for authenticating ID’s from far and wide. I felt a few of the samples were worth sharing, so without further ado:

 

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“Surprise!” Or maybe the photographer captured the moment she was told her sample name would be Happy H. Zzzviisagedlover.

 

 

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Mr. Clean: A good guy to have on your side in a prison riot. More importantly, what do they mean by “Experimental, Full-privileged?”

 

 

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“Ma’am, I’m going to need you to take off the motorcycle helmet for the – ohh.”

 

 

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Organ donor: No
Chin donor: Hell Yes

 

 

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 Jessica Rabbit? (Young people reading this are all “wtf.”)

 

 

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Tina Yothers?? (Again with an 80’s reference! #WhenHashTagsWerePoundsigns)

Number 43

His footfalls echoed down dark marble corridors as the gilded elevator doors shut behind him. “Good luck…” the elevator man had said with a tinge of sarcasm as they arrived at the 41st floor. Now he was at the massive oak doors, and he paused before taking an apprehensive breath and stepping inside.

His father was seated behind a large black desk, staring out the window at the view across the icy river. “Sit,” he commanded.

“It’s time you lived up to your promise. All the best schooling, the family name, wealth and influence,” he said in a deadpan voice, “and still…here you are.”

“Hello, Father,” he began but his greeting was not returned.

His father spun around in his chair. “Yet another company run into the ground by your ineptitude,” he said with disgust. “Do you know how embarrassing this is? Do you think this is the legacy I intended to leave?”

“But I gave –“

“What do you know about giving? You know about getting. Yes, you certainly know that. You never knew what it is to give all you have to a commitment, to your family, to your country. Never knew the sacrifice I gave by going to war. You were given a ticket out of that quandary, or perhaps you have forgotten?”

“My brother –“

Your ineffectual brother is not the issue!!” he bellowed, slamming a clenched fist down on his desk, rattling the dagger-like letter opener, emblazoned with the insignia of the secret fraternal order known as the Skull and Bones.

“We have something greater planned for you. You will not fail like you have countless times before. Prominence is in our blood, it is our birthright. You will lead, you will do as you are told, and you will become part of history. Is this clear?”

“Yes,” he said, trying to sound as confident and stoic as he could muster.

“You may go now.”

He paused for a second as if considering saying something, but instead he rose obediently from the large, red, leather chair. Just as his hand grasped the knob on the door to make his exit he heard his father say:

“Oh, and George?”

“Yes?”

“Send Jeb in next. I have something in mind for him as well. That will be all.”


 

Written in response to the Daily Prompt on the topic of: Legacy

A Post Wherein I Stick It To Intellectual Property Thieves

nothieves

 

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Brainwave.”

Get outta here. I’m not showin’ you my best idea. Get your own. Look, I see what you’re trying to do here, Jedi mind tricking us into giving up our A material, but it’s not gonna work on me. That’s right, you gotta get up pretty early in the morning to trick ol’ Jay Sparrow into talking about his idea for the toothless trouser zipper….oh CRAP!

Ask Jay!

Welcome to the first episode of my regularly occurring advice column. People ask me for advice all the time. And usually I’m like “gahhhh enough with the questions, people!” but today I will address some out of the kindness of my heart. You may thank me later. Or not at all. Whatever, let’s get it over with.

Jay, I’ve been invited to my cousins’ wedding and I don’t have much money left over for a gift after the plane ticket and hotel and all that. How much is ok to give? – Tim, IL

Wait, hang on. Is cousins’ a typo or are two of your cousins getting married? To each other?? If you meant cousin’s then fine, that’s one thing. Or even cousins without the apostrophe, while grammatically incorrect it is at least socially acceptable. Sorry, far bigger questions regarding your potentially messed up family must be answered before I can proceed. Next.

Dear Jay, my mother calls me like literally a million times a day. How can I get her to stop? Thanks! – Tonja, MA

Where do I begin with this one. There’s no way she calls you a million times a day. I calculated that she would have to call about every .08 seconds for the entire day. Oh yes, I see that you put like before literally but still, it doesn’t mean you can give the antonym for figurative a figurative meaning. And if you don’t understand that, then I’m literally not going to give you advice since you probably won’t grasp said advice in the first place.

Hey, me and my brother recently found out that our parents are considering a divorce. I know its there decision but is their anything we can say to change they’re minds? – Carl, CA

I’m like literally going to shoot myself. My brother and I, it’s not its, their not there, there not their, and their not they’re. This question however, which may surprise you, I am compelled to answer: encourage them to split up, find different partners, and try for smarter kids. Clearly there’s some bad genetic mojo going on.

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Ok, well that was fun. Thanks again and if I’ve helped even one person, then nobody is more surprised than me. Or I, rather. God, you idiots are rubbing off on me. I need a drink.

Tornadoes & Tigers & Floods, Oh #*@%!

“It could be worse,” some people are wont to say.  But it doesn’t always feel like it’s true on those really bad days.  But keep this in mind:

This past Wednesday, several tornadoes touched down in the fair state of Oklahoma.  Homes were demolished, there were injuries and even deaths.  The storms were accompanied by flash flooding as well.  And in the town of Tuttle, OK a tornado damaged The Tiger Safari, allowing several exotic animals to escape temporarily.

Authorities warned the public of the situation and advise them to stay indoors.  So imagine, you survive a catastrophic weather event, only to face the challenge of making it through a night of being stalked by 500 lb. carnivores that can pretty much see in the dark.  And what was that about staying “indoors?”  Oh you must mean my house which no longer exists!  Very helpful, those authorities.

So you see, it CAN get worse.  If you’re reading this, you’ve probably got a roof over your head, are experiencing non-leathal wind speeds (if any), and have a negligible chance of death by tiger.  I bet having just one of those is sounding pretty good for a resident of Tuttle, OK.  Stay safe you guys!

Fun With Job Applications!

Having to fill out job applications is like having to work but not getting paid for it. I think it’s really a test to see if you want it bad enough. Maybe it’s the company’s way of saying “Ok, if we can get him to do this for free, we should have an easy time taking advantage of him further down the road.”

But there are ways to make it better AND increase your chances of getting hired! Most people who fill them out (ie. your competition) are going to do it totally boring and normal. And nobody wants a boring co-worker, so go nuts!   It’ll say to your future boss: “Hey, I’m a shoot-from the hip go-getter with a devil-may-care attitude and a serious love of hyphenated sayings!”

For instance, write in these classics:

               Have you ever been convicted of a felony?   Yes__  No  X

“I leave no witnesses.”

               Gender: Male __  Female __

“More like BRUCE Gender. I mean Jenner.”

                Related Work Experience:

“Communications Director; Al Qaeda”

                Roles and Responsibilities:

“Produced training videos of masked men swinging on playground equipment, managed Twitter account, etc.”

Seriously, have you noticed that? Why are they always on monkey bars on those clips they show on the news? What the hell do they think the Jihad is going to be like? Recess??

Legal Disclaimer: the above does not constitute “advice” and by reading this you absolve the author (Me. Hi.) of any resulting litigation or denied employment. However, it does count as a “job search related activity” for your unemployment, you leech upon society you.