Ask Jay pt. II

Dear Jay,

I need help in the selfie department! How can I become a selfie ninja?

-San Fran Selfie Fail

Dear SFSF,

Don’t fret, you’re not alone. Bad selfies are as pervasive as virgins at Comic-Con. Or VD at Burning Man. Here are some hacks to step up your game.

Remember Einstein’s lesser known Law of Selfie Relativity: An ugly friend in your selfie increases your attractiveness at a level inversely proportional to their nastiness. Also, consider a longer selfie stick, let’s say 20-30 feet. Close-ups are only flattering to those blessed with looks.

***

Hey man,

I suck at flirting with girls online. Whenever things progress to sexting, they always lose interest. Any advice?

-Creepin’ in Canton

Dear Creepin’,

Nothing is a turn-off like bad sexting. To pull it off, you have to be smoother than a baby’s butt in a velveteen diaper. Here are some common pitfalls to avoid.

Make sure auto-correct is off. Getting a text like “Girl I wanna duck u all night long” is more confounding than erotic.

Also, no pics of your junk. I can’t stress that enough. But if you must, use a background other than your bathroom floor which hasn’t been cleaned since the Bush administration. The first Bush administration that is.

***

Dear Jay,

My ex-boyfriend and I made a sex video. But I dumped him and am scared he might post it online for revenge.

-Terrified in Tacoma

Hi TiT (heh heh),

That is quite a predicament. You could try and make this into a positive. After all, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian made millions from their sexploits.

The fact remains: that which has been seen cannot be unseen. By the way I wish somebody pointed that out before I watched the Bea Arthur sex tape. Sadly, we’re not talking Maude era either, this was deep into Golden Girls. Coincidentally, that was also the title of the video.

***

Fun With Job Applications!

Having to fill out job applications is like having to work but not getting paid for it. I think it’s really a test to see if you want it bad enough. Maybe it’s the company’s way of saying “Ok, if we can get him to do this for free, we should have an easy time taking advantage of him further down the road.”

But there are ways to make it better AND increase your chances of getting hired! Most people who fill them out (ie. your competition) are going to do it totally boring and normal. And nobody wants a boring co-worker, so go nuts!   It’ll say to your future boss: “Hey, I’m a shoot-from the hip go-getter with a devil-may-care attitude and a serious love of hyphenated sayings!”

For instance, write in these classics:

               Have you ever been convicted of a felony?   Yes__  No  X

“I leave no witnesses.”

               Gender: Male __  Female __

“More like BRUCE Gender. I mean Jenner.”

                Related Work Experience:

“Communications Director; Al Qaeda”

                Roles and Responsibilities:

“Produced training videos of masked men swinging on playground equipment, managed Twitter account, etc.”

Seriously, have you noticed that? Why are they always on monkey bars on those clips they show on the news? What the hell do they think the Jihad is going to be like? Recess??

Legal Disclaimer: the above does not constitute “advice” and by reading this you absolve the author (Me. Hi.) of any resulting litigation or denied employment. However, it does count as a “job search related activity” for your unemployment, you leech upon society you.

Smacking the Bishop

Vinnie hung his head.  The ideas would not come, as they had not for quite some time.  His masturbation blog, Thus Spanked Tharathustra, had been a neglected, malnourished child lately.  “Three entries in two months…” he lamented, “could I have run out of ideas?”  Stylistically, he relished going into exquisite details of each technique, each new apparatus being reviewed, and each sensation it yielded.  But now he felt lucky to slap together a paragraph.

He had been through many phases in documenting self-stimulated nirvana, and none of them had brought him to “The God Zone” which Vinnie promised his readers was most certainly out there – and attainable.

He tried all shapes and manners of toys including cock rings and anal beads (which he grew in the habit of extracting rather quickly, as if struggling to start a reluctant snow-blower), prostate milking, ballsack tugging, an obtuse method of his own invention called “The Egyptian Gasmask,” various lotions, natural and synthetic furs.  But all came up short and he was beginning to lose faith.  His body didn’t feel like a temple.  More like a used car dealership.Vinnie stared at the tablet screen absently; the flickering image of the five naked dudes huddled over a kneeling, 18 year old, Japanese girl barely registering.  His trance was broken by a soft knock at the door.  “Uh, yes?” he asked.  The gentle voice one the other side reminded him: “Pardon me Father Vincent, but Mass begins in five minutes.”